There is something to be said for a place that feels like home...

Epilepsy (n.): a disorder of the central nervous system characterized by loss of consciousness and convulsions.

I was diagnosed with this on July 30th, 2009 but had symptoms of it in January of 2008 and in May of 2009. It has taken a great toll on my life and the lives of some people around me who have had to witness me go through all of this. I've had to give up opportunities like being able to drive, go to school, get a job, and some of the simplest day-to-day tasks that I would normally be able to do by myself. I've passed out here and there, wondered what part of my body will I hurt next, wondered who would find me with my next seizure and fall-out, worried not only myself but a lot of people around me, wondered why me and why now and why not when I'm older or just plain out NEVER, got angry at God at some points, and been scared out of my mind. I've been poked, pricked, have had test after test run on me, and have met too many doctors to count. I've laid in hospital beds wondering when I'll get out and when will someone give me good answers and not unknown or obvious answers or none at all. I've prayed harder in the last year than ever before. I've taken up hobbies to pass the time until I'll finally be "normal" again. I've been in more pain than I can count. I've shed more tears than laughed smiles.

'There is something to be said for a place that feels like home. A place that, despite the changes that go on in our lives every moment of every single day, will be there the same as it has been every time before, ready to welcome you back with arms wide open"....and in a way, my epilepsy is my home. Not saying when I get better that I want to go back to being sick or in pain. No, I'm not saying that at all. But I want to be able to go back to the home where I was strong. To look back and remember that I was strong enough to give up all the things I couldn't or shouldn't do...strong enough to know that all the aches and the pains where I would hurt myself from falling, were being healed by the Lord...strong enough to be courageous and trust in the Lord when I wondered if I would be alone with my next seizure because I was never alone, the Lord was with me...strong enough to know that I had so many people caring and praying for me, strong enough to admit that I needed those peoples' help when I couldn't exactly help myself, and strong enough to keep those people in my life no matter how aggrating it got or how frustrated I got at them for doing so much for me when I couldn't do those things for myself...strong enough to trust in the Lord and be patient for Him when I asked Him, "why me," because He picked me for a reason; not to punish me but to make me strong and help others be as strong one day...strong enough to know that the Lord was being patient for me when I got angry at Him and that it was okay to be angry at Him at times but to talk to Him and pray about it when I did get angry and know that He'd forgive me and give me the answers and the healing I need...strong enough to admit that I was scared and instead of running from my fears, turning to the Lord when I was scared...strong enough to let the Lord ease my troubles and my fears and help me give it all to Him and to trust Him with every move I make...strong enough to take the pain and be a trooper when doctors had to do what they had to do by poking, pricking, and testing me...strong enough to lay in those hospital beds with a little bit of patience and just lay there while I listen to the Lord on what He'll do next...strong enough to pray and wait patiently on the Lord to give me answers on His time and not mine...strong enough to let the Lord shape me into the woman I was meant to be by giving me the talent of photography and painting and so many other things and letting me enjoy those things while I don't have the stress of driving, school work, having a job, and doing those simple things in life....strong enough to shed those tears instead of bottling them up...strong enough to share everything I went through with certain people that were and still are in my life...strong enough to not give up and give into the temptations of the devil...strong enough to hold on, even if it was by a thread and even if I felt like I didn't have anymore fight in me...and finally...strong enough to stand up and walk through the rain when I felt like I couldn't get up from the storm

....and when I'm able to drive, have a job, go to school, and do the simple things I can do on my own, I want to be thankful for those things and look back on how strong I was.


Song:
"Away beyond the blue.
One star belongs to you.
This life is but a dream.
Go gently down the stream.
Is nind se, Prabhu, kya mujheuthaoge?
(From this steep, Lord will you wake me?)
Is swapan se, Prabhu, kya mujhe jagoge?
(From this dream, Lord will you wake me?)
Tum hi mai dubu, Turn hi mai uthu,
(In thee I dive, in thee I rise,)
Tere sagar me, Tum hi me
(In thy sea, in Thee.)
Tere sagar me, Tum hi me"

"Beyond the Blue" by Beth Nielson Chapman

Prayer:
Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank you for all the little things that come my way because that is when I hear and see you the most. I thank you for loving me and never giving up on me. I thank you for all of the people you bring into my life and how you let those people shape me and guide me through life like you would and do. I thank you for every day that you heal me and help me get closer and closer to being healthy. I thank you for always holding me up. I thank you for all the times where I only saw one set of footprints in the sand because those footprints were not mine where I walked alone, but they were YOUR footprints where you carried me. In your Heavenly name I pray, Amen.